Was I really d? (Only serious answers please)?

Since last summer I have been having dreams that my mom's boyfriend d me. They seem really real and I'm scared. I have been looking up information and I don't know. I keep having dreams and they all happen my mom isn't in the dream. There was one dream and I felt like I was thinking. He kept touching me becaue he was mad at me. So I pretend that I was trying to be nice and he kept touching me. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't. Then he touches me between my legs and I wake up breathing really hard at the break of tears. I am only 13 and I can't tell anyone. I tried telling my friend and that was really funny to her and she started laughing. Ever since the dreams starting happening I have been really out of it. Like I have been forgetting so many things. My mom was talking about how people forget things trying to block this one thing out. I'm flunking in school and something is really messed up with my brain. I've been talking to myself and even having fights. My head hurts all the time and my eye and hand twitch randomly. I can't even remember what happened or maybe I just won't let myself. I have also become really suicidal and almost killed myself about 8 times before I stopped myself. Is there a possiblity that I can stop thinking about this stuff and just go back to how things were. I can't do this anymore. It's like all this weight is pressing on my head and I can't make it go away. Am I really bad? I feel like I'm going crazy